Men are Men..

 A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmo’s for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he choose to marry?

Think like a man . . .

(scroll down for the answer)


He married the most beautiful one.

Men are Men…. Obviously!!!

Never kiss a nun!

 A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that ther
e's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,

"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Very Funny Interview.. lol..

 Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...

ENGINEER: ok Sir .....

Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of .....good.

Last week was my birthday, My wife didn't wish me, My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work, Even my colleagues did not wish.

As i entered my cabin my secretary said, "Happy birthday Boss!"

I felt special. She asked me for lunch.

After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there!

She said,

"You mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"OK", i said in a sexy mood.

She came out 5 minutes later with a cake & My wife, My parents, My kids, My friends and My colleagues.

All screaming "SURPRISE SURPRISE!"

And,

I was waiting on the sofa, NAAKED! :

MAID vs GUY Funny Conversation

 A guy went to visit his friend from a very rich family. When he entered, the maid approached him and asked :

MAID : what would you like to drink ? Fruit juice, yogurt, tea, chocolate, apple juice or coffee ?

GUY : Tea please

MAID : Ceylon tea, India tea, herbal tea, kerichon gold tea, bush tea, green tea ?

GUY : Ceylon tea please

MAID : how do you want it, black or white ?

GUY : White

MAID : Milk or fresh cream ?

GUY : with Milk

MAID : Goat Milk or Cow Milk ?

GUY : Cow Milk

MAID : Freezland cow or afrikner cow ?

GUY : hmmm, let me go with the Freezland cow

MaID : would you like it with Sweetner, Sugar or honey ?

GUY : Sugar

MAID : bee sugar or Cane Sugar ?

GUY : Cane sugar

MAID : White, brown or yellow sugar ?

GUY : A beg, forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water.

MAID : Mineral, Tap or distilled water ?

GUY : Mineral water

MAID : Flavored or non flavored ?

GUY : In fact get Me an empty glass.

MAID : You want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug ?

GUY : A beg, free me, make i swallow ma spit.

Funny Husband...

 One Day, A woman went for shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay.

The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

He could not control his curiosity n asked "Do u always carry ur TV remote with u?"

She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today..

Due to his stupid match SO...

The story continues.... The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.

Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing.

He said your husband has blocked your credit card..

Big Guy vs Little Guy.. lol

 A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him.

The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!" -

Buy a bra for my wife...

 A man walked into the ladies department of Myer’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .”

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?”

The man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.”

Very Very Funny..One morning

 One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
 
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

 I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Boss....

 Boy: Will you marry me ?

Girl: Do you have a house ?

Boy: None but…

Girl: Do you have a BMW car ?

Boy: None but…

Girl: How much is your salary ?

Boy: No salary but.

Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you? Just leave me, please!

* GIRL GOES AWAY *


Boy: *talking to himself*

I have one Villa,

3 plots,

3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche, 1 Lamborghini

Why I still need to buy a cheap BMW ?:O

How can I get the salary when actually I’m the BOSS

Funny Wife & Husband Conversation..

 Wife: Its my bad luck that I married you, otherwise lots of smart boys were interested in me.

Husband: Of course they must be smart, that's why they escaped from you.

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.

Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

Wife pointing at a couple next door says to her husband: Look at him he kisses her all the time, can’t u do that?

Husband : I tried but she slapped me.

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

Husband: can u be the moon of my life?

Wife: Awww Yes sweetheart..!
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Husband: Great! then…. Stay 9,955,887.6 kms away from Me..!!

Very Funny Doctor and Old Man..

 An 80-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.

The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?”

“Great,” says the old man. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”

The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, “Ted, let me tell you a story.

See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So, as he is hunting, he spots a lion.

He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”

“What?!” cries the old man. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”

“Exactly!” says the doctor.

FATHER AND SON MUST READ

A son and his father were walking in the mountains.

Suddenly, his son fell, hurt himself and screamed: “AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

To his surprise, he heard the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: ”AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

Curious, he yelled: “Who are you?” He received the answer: “Who are you?”

Angered at the response, he screamed: “Coward!” He received the answer: “Coward!”

He looked to his father and asked: “What’s going on?”

The father smiled and says: “My son, pay attention.”

And then he screamed to the mountain: “I admire you!” The voice answered: “I admire you!”

Again the father screamed: “You are a champion!” The voice answered: “You are a champion!”

The boy was surprised and confused.

Then the father explained: “People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.

“It gives you back everything you say or do.Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart. If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence. This applies to everything, in all aspects of life; Life will give you back everything you have given to it.”

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT’S A REFLECTION OF YOU!

Very Funny - A group of kindergartners

 A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use 'Grown-Up' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Grown-Up' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Grown-Up' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Lucky Guy..

So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for two years.

A few weeks ago she made me very happy by agreeing to marry me, there was one problem she has an extremely hot sister, I mean every time she bends down I can see almost everything so one day she call me over to come work on invitations.

I walk in and sit down she whispers in my ear “I’ve always had feelings for you if you would like to have one last fling before you get married come upstairs.”

She walks up the stairs and throws her panties on me.

I’m so shocked I look at the stairs, I look at the door, then again at the stairs.

I then run to my car, my entire family in law is sitting outside they are all cheering for me, my father in law says “You’re welcome to the family” and they’re all so proud of me for not giving in.

* Moral - Always keep your condoms in your car!

Funny Interview..

Interviewer: There are 500 bricks on a plane. You drop one outside. How many are left?
Applicant: That's easy, 499

Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.

Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.

Interviewer: It's lion's birthday, all the animals are there except one, why?
Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge.

Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Applicant: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.

Interviewer: Last question.
In the end the old lady still died, Why?

Applicant: Err....I guess she drowned?
Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.

Its Funny.. Must Read..

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads :

Cheese Sandwich : - $1.50

Chicken Sandwich : - $2.50

Hand Job : - $10.00.

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes ?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs ?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Ghost and Boy Funny Converstation..

A young boy Talking To A Ghost..

BOY: Why Did You Die … ? ?

GHOST: I Was Hit By A Car Trying To Save Someone

BOY: Why?

GHOST: Because I Don’t Want Her To Get Hurt.

BOY: You Really Love Her A Lot Because You’ve sacrificed Your own Life Just For Her. May be She’s Sad Now, Because of Your Death.

GHOST: No. She’s Very Happy Because The one That I Saved Is The Man Whom She Loves.....

Now tell me, what will you call this love?

After Few days, 

Son: Are ghosts real?

Dad: Of course not.

Son: But the maid said they are.

Dad: Son pack your bags....we don't have a maid  ..

Funny Little Johnny..lol

Teacher said to the class"Children, tomorrow I would like u to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home, and what is d advantage of this new development.

At the end of the class, teacher asks all the little girls to remain behind for 5 mins.

Teacher said: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty, that is why I am asking you all to avoid any further problems that if he says anything that appears rude, u all will get up and leave the classroom. Everybody agreed to this plan.

Next day - Time for the assignment...

Anita: Near my home, a supermarket is being built... Now my mommy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk"

Teacher: "Very good!

Suzie: Near my home, they are building a furniture factory... My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home...

Teacher: "Excellent,

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home.

Little Johnny: Near my home, they are building a brothel. As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.... Little Johnny says, "Hey relax...sluts" it hasn't opened yet!...its still under construction!

Unexpected Twist.. Very Funny

 A student failed in law & decided to make a deal with professor.

Sir, do you know everything about law?

Prof: Yes.

Student: If you can answer this question, i will accept my final marks, if you cant, you have to give me "A" Grade.

Professor agreed.

Boy asked: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?"

Prof thought about it for hours & pondered no answer.

He had to finally give up as he really did not know.

He gave the boy his "A" Grade.

The following day, professor asked same question to his students.

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

He answered: Sir, you are 65, married to 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical.

Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.

Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A" Grade, This is neither logical nor legal.

The professor collapsed...

MOTHER

GOD in heaven said to a 9 month baby u r going to born on earth tomorrow..
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Baby cried & asked how I will talk with people
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God:" I had already sent an angel 2 earth she will teach You
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Child:  how will i pray 2 You.

God:" The angel will teach you,
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child:" how will i learn good words,
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God:" angel will teach you
.
child:" if i suffer from sorrow ??
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God:" angel will be their to listen..
.
.
child:" how do i find that angel??
.
God:" Its very simple!
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Usually people call that Angel as..
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"MOTHER"
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Hit Share, For this post only If You love your Mom..

Very Very Funny.. Must Read..

 After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multimillion dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS

Taxi drivers.

A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside.

The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?."

His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work."

The Taxi driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money."

The Boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes.!!"

After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?."

She replied; "Most of them become Taxi drivers.

First Day in School..

 Smith First day in a new Secondary School.



Teacher: There will be an elementary science test next week.



Contrary to his nature, Smith reads his book from cover to cover like no man's business.



On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs is visible.



Question 1: Looking at the leg of a bird write down its' common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc.



After about 20mins of frustration and not writing down anything, Smith storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher.



'Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!'



Teacher: What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name?



Smith raises his trouser and points to his leg: 'Oya you too, look my leg, tell me my name, my surname, where I they live, which tribe I come from.

Don't overreact in every situation!

Real Funny Story.. Very Very Funny.. Must Read and Share to Everyone..
 
In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly......

CEO of that factory came and asked his salary...

Man replied "5000 sir"

CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him...

"I pay people here to work and not to waste time, This is your 3 months salary.

Now get out of here. Never come back"

That guy left............

Then CEO asked workers "Who was that guy?"

Workers replied "Courier Boy Sir"..

Moral: Don't overreact in every situation!

Heart Touching.. Must Read.

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the tree-top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow...He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by... the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree every day. One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad.

"Come and play with me," the tree asked the boy. "I am no longer a kid, I don't play around trees anymore." The boy replied, "I want toys. I need money to buy them." "Sorry, but I don't have money... but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money." The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad. One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited.

"Come and play with me" the tree said. "I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?" "Sorry, but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house." So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad.

One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted. "Come and play with me!" the tree said. "I am sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?" "Use my truck to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy." So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time.

Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. "Sorry, my boy. But I don't have anything for you any more. "No more apples for you... "the tree said. "I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied. "No more truck for you to climb on" "I am too old for that now" the boy said. "I really can't give you anything ... the only thing left is my dying roots" the tree said with tears. "I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years." The boy replied. "Good! Old tree roots is the best place to lean on and rest. Come, Come sit down with me and rest." The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears.......

This is a story of everyone. The tree is our parent. When we were young, we loved to play with Mom and Dad...When we grown up, we left them... only came to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could to make you happy. You may think the boy is cruel to the tree but that's how all of us are treating our parent. 

Who is the real thief?

John and Smith entered a chocolate store.



As they were busy looking, Smith steals 3 chocolate bars.



After leaving the store,


Smith says to John: "Man I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me, u cant beat that".



John replies: "You want to see something better, lets go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing."



So they went to the counter and John says to the Shop keeper:



"Do you want to see magic?" Shop keeper replies:"Yes."



John says: "Give me one chocolate bar."



The shopkeeper gave him one, and he eats it.



He asks for the second, and he eats that as well. He asks for the third, and finishes that one too.



The shop keeper asks: "But where's the magic?"



John replies: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them.



#The friend fainted



Please, Who is the real thief?  John/Smith

Funny Conversation.. ha ha ha..

Teacher: - what's wrong?

Wayne :- our house is very small. Me, my mum, my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Wayne are you sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye"

Teacher:- tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The following morning Wayne comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?

Wayne:- Dad asked me again, Wayne are u sleeping? & I shut up & kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, you know, at the same time Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed.

Then my dad asked my mum, Are you coming? 

Mum said, Yes I'm coming, are you coming too? 

Dad answered:- Yes. They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said “wait for me, I'm also coming!” 

True Love .Must Read

When U Were Only 5 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U...

U Asked Me: "What Is It?"

When U Were 15 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....

U Blushed.. U Look Down And Smile..

When U Were 20 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....

U Put Ur Head On My Shoulder And Hold My Hand.. Afraid That I Might Dissapear..

When U Were 25 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....

U Prepare Breakfast And Serve It In Front Of Me, And Kiss My Forhead N

Said : "U Better Be Quick, Is’s Gonna Be Late.."

When U Were 30 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....

U Said: "If U Really Love Me, Please Come Back Early After Work.."

When U Were 40 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....

U Were Cleaning The Dining Table And Said: "Ok Dear, But It’s Time For U To Help Our Child With
His/Her Revision.."
When U Were 50 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....

U Were Knitting And U Laugh At Me..

When U Were 60 Yrs Old, I Said I Love U....

U Smile At Me..

When U Were 70 Yrs Old. I Said I Love U....

We Sitting On The Rocking Chair With Our Glasses On.. I’m Reading Your Love Letter That U Sent To

Me 50 Yrs Ago..With Our Hand Crossing Together..

When U Were 80 Yrs Old, U Said U Love Me!

I Didn’t Say Anything But Cried.

Funny Women.. ha ha ha ha

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" .

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" . A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Very Funny Kid

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!" 

Reality of the Day Must SHARE

If you Love some one because you think that he/she is really gorgeous-
Then it's not love_ it's"Infatuation"...

If you love some one because you think that you shouldn't leave him because others think that you shouldn't...
Then it's not love,, it's"compromise"...

If you love some one because you think that you cannot live with out his touch...
Then it's not love,, it's"lust"...

If you love some one because you have been kissed by him...
Then it's not love,, it's"inferiority complex"...

If you love some one because you can't leave him thinking that it would hurt his feeling...
Then it's not love,, it's"charity"...

If you love some one because you share every thing with him...
Then it's not love,, it's"friendship"...

If you feel the pain of the other person more than him even when he/she is stable and you cry for him...
That's"LOVE"

If you get attracted to ther people but stay with him/her without any regrets...
That's"LOVE"

If you let him/her go knowing that he/she has to go but he/she doesn't want to...
That's"LOVE".. ???

Guy in Restaurant

This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, "Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove."

The cook, who hates to be told how to cook, hears this and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake.

The guy then orders a box of fries, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the groove."

The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves and gets him the box of fries.

Then the guy orders a hamburger, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the groove."

On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, and says, "You can just kiss my ass, not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the groove." 

Funny Wedding Anniversary

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, Romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.‘

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again…

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me..‘

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..

The husband became 92 years old!!!

Moral: Men should remember fairies are females too. 

Funny Conversation..

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. 

“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”


“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. 

“You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. 

But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. 
  
You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. 

How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. 

“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. 

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. 

I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. 

I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. 

I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.” 

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man. 

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.” 

Attitude Matters

Its Awesome.. Must Read..

A Man saw a Poor Young Boy looking at his expensive Car.

He was in a good mood that day and so he offered him a drive

The Boy couldn't believe his luck and joined him

Boy: Car is marvelous…its so huge..What's the Cost ?

Man: I don't know Exactly..My Friend Gifted it

Boy: So Nice of Him

Man: I know what you are thinking..You also want to have a friend like him right?

Boy: No, I want to BE THAT Friend …!!

Attitude Matters 

Its Awesome.. Must Read..

Its Awesome.. Must Read..

A Husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor. Wife gets him up and cleans everything.

Next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him. He braces for a fight, but finds a note near the table.

"Honey, your favorite breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I'll come running back to you, my love. I love you.

Surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?"

The Son replies, "When mom got you up to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt. You were dead drunk and you said,

"Hey Lady! Leave Me Alone. I'm Married!!" 

Teacher and Student Funny Conversation..

Teacher: Change this sentence into Future Tense, "I killed a person"

Student: The Future tense is "You will go to a jail"

Teacher: Did u make this poem yourself??

Student: Yes Sir !

Teacher: Nice to meet you, William Shakespeare

Teacher: Which one is more important for us, Son or Moon?

Student: Ofcourse Moon

Teacher: Why??

Students: The moon gives us light in night when we need it BUT the sun gives us light in day when we don't need it..

Teacher : What will you do after growing up?

Student : Facebooking

Teacher : No! I mean what will you Become?

Student : Admin of Facebook pages

Teacher : O My God! I Mean what will you Achieve when you grow up?

Student : Facebook Admin Rights

Teacher : Idiot! I Mean what will you do for you Parents ?

Student : I create a page for them on FacebooK."I Luv Mom and Dad".

Teacher : Stupid! What do you parents want from U? :@

Student : My Facebook password.

Teacher : Oh God! 

Funny Little Boys.. ha ha ha..

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. 

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. 

The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, ‘We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!’.

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. 

The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,’Where is God?’

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, ‘Where is God?’ Again the boy made no attempt to answer. 

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, ‘WHERE IS GOD?’

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. 

His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what had happened. 

The younger brother replied, ‘We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.’ 

Epic Johnny

Epic Johnny:
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:- As old as I am.

Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny:- He became father only after I was born

Teacher: Why did you laugh ?
Boy: I saw a strap of your Bra
Teacher: GET OUT !!!! No Class for you for a WEEK.

Another boy laughs............,

Teacher: Why did u laugh ???
Boy: I saw Both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT....... No class for you for a MONTH....!

Teacher bend down to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out.

Teacher: johnny where are you going out?
Johnny: With what I saw I think my schooldays are OVER......... 

Read it..Just Awesome..

Read it..Just Awesome..

Once choosing the color of a sketch pen was a tough task.

Occupying the window seat in the school bus was called obsession.

Getting a toffee as a birthday treat from a friend made our day.

Being the first one to finish copying from the blackboard was the ultimate moment of pride.

Hiding the answers from a bench partner during exams was not called selfishness.

When homework was the only torture & finished it soon, so could get some extra time to play.

Early to bed, early to rise was life's mantra, but how we loved sleeping late and having some extra TV time!

Owning a cycle was like owning everything.

To look good was only to wear our favorite dress frocks for girls n half pants for boys.

We didn't need Facebook or a phone to keep in touch!

We thought all elders are ideal, when Daddy was the only hero and Mom was the only Best friend."

So what they say is right.

"Everybody dies twice. Once when their childhood ends." 

Very Very Funny.. ha ha ha ha

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog." 

Funny Misunderstanding.. ha ha ha ha...

Smith just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Lords.


The manager told him: "...in here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant. so you know how to address their every need even before they ask".



Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly approached them, nicely took their baggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel.



Please come this way to the reception" ... and he led them to the reception.



After the couple had been taken care of, Smith asked the manager, "Has the couple been visiting this hotel before?"



"No" came the reply from the manager.



"So how come you knew their name?" asked Smith.



"That is why I told you to be very observant.



All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag".



"Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?"



"Ok" said Smith and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs MADE IN CHINA! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."

Funny Mental

John and Smith were both patients in a mental hospital.



One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.



Smith promptly jumped in to save him, she swam to the bottom and pulled John out.



When the medical doctor became aware of Smith's act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable.



When he went to tell Smith the news, he said : Smith, i have a good news and bad news, the good news is that you are being discharged, because, since you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient, i think you have regain your senses. 

the bad news is that, Smith, the patient you saved hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, i am sorry he is dead.



Smith replied,, ,, he did not hang himself, i put him there to dry!,

After Few Years Later,

A plane was carrying mental patients who were making lot of noise, one patient pops into the cockpit and orders the pilots to teach him to fly a plane.

PILOT: yes we will but on a condition that u tell your friends to keep quiet, off he goes and after a short while everywhere became quiet

And he came back, "teach me now" he said, amazed the pilots asked "but how did u manage to silence your friends?"

PATIENT: I've opened the door for them to go and play out side.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE... Very Funny.. Must Read..

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE... Very Funny.. Must Read..

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Mr.Bean vs Teacher.. Very Funny

Teacher : Little Mr.Bean, assuming you were at a bus stop and Terrorist throws a bomb. What will you do ?
Little Mr.Bean : I will stop assuming…..

Teacher : What is a verb ?
Little Mr.Bean : A verb is a valve in a bicycle Tyre.

Teacher : What are You saying ?
Little Mr.Bean : Its a complete sentence sir.

Teacher : Are You mad ?
Little Mr.Bean : Its a question sir

Teacher : don't be ...stupid
Little Mr.Bean : Its an advice sir.

Teacher : stop that nonsense!
Little Mr.Bean : Its a command sir.

Teacher : You are an idiot
Little Mr.Bean : Its an insult sir.

Teacher : Get out of my class!
Little Mr.Bean : Its an order sir.

Teacher : Oh goodness!,,,, what a boy!,,,,
Little Mr.Bean : Its an exclamation sir.

Teacher : May God have mercy on You.
Little Mr.Bean : Its a prayer sir …..

the teacher fainted!!

Funny Animal Facebook Status Upddates..

If animals have FACEBOOK/ BBM/ WhatsApp, these are most likely to be their Status Updates :

COCKROACH: "Managed to skip from some one’s foot step.. Man, I lead a dangerous lifestyle!"

Dog: "My 7th child is asking who is her dad. What shall I tell her??,I don’t even remember"....

Mosquito: "I am HIV positive.. this is all due to wrong sucking"

Pig: "Oh gosh they throw the gossips that I am spreading flu…WTF!! "

Goat : "Friends, don’t go out, Eid is coming soon"
,
Chicken: "If tomorrow there's no status update from my side, means I'm being served at KFC.

Pig writes a comment on Goat’s status: "Luckily I am haram"

Goat replies: "Don’t you remember that after Eid is the Chinese new year..? 

Very Funny.. ha ha ha

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, ’cause this is the last stop. 

And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, ’cause we’re going down the tracks.’

The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. 

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. 

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. 

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. 

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.’

She hears the little boy continue ‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. 

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

As the mother began to smile, the child added, ‘For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen. 

ATTITUDE.. Its Awesome.. Must Read..

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is equal to 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then 

H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

L+O+V+E= 12+15+22+5= 54%

L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 =47%

None of them makes 100% Then what makes 100% ???

Is it Money? NO !!!

Leadership? NO !!!

Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our
"ATTITUDE".

It is OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes OUR Life 100% Successful..

A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

How many of you love your husbands? ha ha ha.. Very Funny Reply

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one

10. Who is this? 

Girl BRA Size.. lol.. Hilarious Funny..

A girl went to a shop to buy a bra.

GIRL : I need bra.. can you show it..

SHOPKEEPER : Here is size 36.

GIRL : Smaller please

SHOPKEEPER : Size 34

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : Size 32

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : Size 30

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : 26

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : Ok...size 24

GIRL : Smaller

SHOPKEEPER : Size 20

GIRL : Smaller Again

[Shopkeeper now Annoyed]

SHOPKEEPER : Madam please just go buy some cream may be they were just Pimples! -

Professor vs Sailor.. Very Funny.. ha ha ha..

A Professor was traveling by boat.

On his way he asked the sailor :
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology ?

The sailor said no to all his questions.

Professor : What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.

After a while the boat started sinking.

The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology ?

The professor said no.

Sailor : “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology. 

10 Husbands.. ha ha ha ha.. lol

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!” 

MOM's Heart...

A 16 year old boy asks his Mum: "Mum, what are you going to get me for my 18th birthday ??
The Mother answers, "son that's still a long way"

The boy turns 17 & one day and he faints. His Mum takes him to the hospital & the doctor said "Madam your child has a bad heart".

The child On the stretcher Says, "did he tell you I'm going to die?" "Mum Starts crying". The boy finally recovers on his 18th Birthday, he comes home& on his bed was a letter his mum had left him.

The letter said "Son if you are reading this its because everything went well. Remember the day you asked me what was i giving you on your 18th birthday & didn't know what to Answer you??.

"I gave you my heart" take care of it and happy Birth day Son"

The mother was dead because she had to give up her heart to her son. Nothing is bigger than MOM's Heart... 

Three blondes & Game Warden.. ha ha ha ha

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steel head trout in this river?”

FATHER'S WISH

 To my dear child
On the day when you see me old, weak and weary, have patience and try to understand me.
If I get dirty when eating, If I can not dress on my own, please bear with me and remember the times I spent feeding you and dressing you up.

If, when I speak to you, I repeat the same things over and over again, do not interrupt me. Listen to me. When you were small, I had to read to you the same story A thousand and one times until you went to sleep.
When I do not want to have a shower, neither shame nor scold me.

Remember when I had to chase you with your thousand excuses to get you to the shower?

When you see my ignorance of new technologies, help me navigate my way through those world wide webs. I taught you how to do so many things, to eat the right foods, to dress appropriately, to fight for your rights.
When at some moment I lose the memory or the thread of our conversation, let me have the necessary time to remember. And if I can not, do not become nervous, as the most important thing is not our conversation, but surely to be with you and to have you listening to me.

If ever I do not feel like eating, do not force me. I know well when I need to and when not to eat.
When my tired legs give way and do not allow me to walk without a cane, lend me your hand. The same way I did when you tried your first faltering steps.

And when someday I say to you, that I do not want to live any more, that I want to die, do not get angry. Some day you will understand. Try to understand that my age is not just lived but survived.

Some day you will realize that, despite my mistakes, I always wanted the best for you and I tried to prepare the way for you. You must not feel sad, angry nor ashamed for having me near you.

Instead, try to understand me and help me like I did when you were young.
Help me to walk. Help me to live the rest of my life with love and dignity. I will pay you with a smile and by the immense love I have always had for you in my heart.

I love you child.

Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore

 Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore


wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,
So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator.

She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

2+5, the son of a bitch is 7.. Very Funny.. Must Read..

A little boy was doing his math homework & saying:

2+5, the son of a bitch is 7

3+6, the son of a bitch is 9. . .

His Mom: What are you doing?

Boy: I'm doing maths homework

Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?

Boy: Yes

Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day-

'What are you teaching my son in maths?'

Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.

Mom: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bitch is 4?

Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, The Sum of Which is 4 !

Doctor vs Patient

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him -"OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club, right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open.

I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone.

As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself.

I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back."

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.

The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.

What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now.

Today was the first day at my new job.

I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.

I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the sametime, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked.  Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge and some one threw it from the 3rd floor"......

Very Very Funny.. Must Read..

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel...

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

New Albert Einstein Funny Joke.. Dont Miss It..

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me

Funny James Bond

James Bond was at a bar chatting up a beautiful woman. The woman notices Bond keeps looking at his watch.

"Are you running late?" she asks.

Bond replies, "No. This is a special watch that communicates with me telepathically."

"Oh really? What is it telling you?" the woman asks.

Bond replies, "It says you're not wearing any undergarments."

The woman laughs: "Ha! Your watch is broken Mr. Bond. For your information I AM wearing undergarments."

Bond smirks and taps the watch: "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

WATER Melon.. lolzzz

 Smith and his friend raped a princess. When they were caught and taken to the king for punishment.

The king ordered them to go and get as many fruits as they can to bail themselves.

Smith's friend went and returned with 15 Mangoes, the king ordered the guards to insert the Mango into his ass so that he will feel the same pain as the raped Princess.

The guy screamed and shouted throughout the insertion.

Suddenly, he began to laugh out loud, the guard asked him why he was laughing in pain.

He pointed ahead and said
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“Look at my friend (Smith), he is bringing WATER Melon's.” lolzzz

Funny Conversation.. lolzzzz

Two men at a bus stop started a conversation. One of them keeps complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man says, "You think you have family problems?" Listen to my situation..

''A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law.

Also my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.

Then my wife's daughter, my step-mom, had a son.

This boy was my half-brother 'cause he was my dad's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now, the half-sister of my son, my step-mom, is also the grand-mom.

My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad's wife! AND

YOU THINK YOU HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS?"

the other guy fainted...

Doctor and his Assistant.. Very Funny..

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Very Valuable Answer By A Little Girl

Very Valuable Answer By A Little Girl:

A teacher asked a little girl: What your DAD do?

Girl replied: He works in a chocolate factory and brings lots of chocolate for me..

In the evening he works in an ice-cream parlor and I eat my favorite flavor…

He also works in a toys shop and brings me soft and cuddly teddy sometime.

He is also a teacher because he helps me in my homework.

He is very strong & hard worker..

He works from morning to evening and never get tired.

And

When he is back to home, he is always ready to play with me.


Note:
Kids don’t value what we do to earn the money. They give value to what we do to earn their love…

Women will Never Change!!!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;

“So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely damaged, but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."

Adam ate the apple again !

Men will NEVER learn ! Women will Never change!!! 

I Couldn't Recognize You

Women Will be Women.
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One Day A 54 year old lady had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital.

While on the operation, she had a near death experience.

On that Time, Seeing God she asked, "Is my Life Completed?"

God replied, "No, you have another 34 years to live."

Upon Heart Recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital & have a Face-Lift, Liposuction, & Tummy Tuck. She even changed her hair colors and style also.. Now she looks like 40 years Women..

Finally she was released from the hospital.

One day, While crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by a truck.

In Heaven, Arriving in front of God, she asked, "You said I had another 34 years to live. Why didn't you save me from the truck?"

(You'll love this)
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God replied: "I Couldn't Recognize You!" 

GUY IN LADIES TOILET.. VERY FUNNY.. MUST READ..

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..

He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.

Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.

Your balls are in the jar over there! 

Very Very Funny.. Must Read..

Mr John once hurt his arm when playing tennis.

His friend told him of this new machine at Barnet General Hospital that could diagnose any problem in a human and prescribe an appropriate remedy.

All it needed was a small sample of body fluid.

Mr John, skeptical, went to test it out.

He put in some of his blood in the small container he was given and put it in the machine.

The results came out instantaneously and said,

“You have a tennis arm. Rub with ointment and soak in warm water daily.”

He was genuinely impressed.

But, he thought he could trick the machine and confuse it.

He went home and mixed up different things.

He put in his dog’s urine, his daughter’s spit, a bit of his wife’s blood (He told her it was just a test) and finally his semen.

He went back to the machine the next day and put in the mixture he’d made.

The machine was quiet for a while.

Just as Mr John thought he’d won, the results came out.

“Your dog has fleas. Get a veterinary. Your daughter is taking heroin. Get her a counselor. Your wife is pregnant. And the baby’s not yours. Get a lawyer. Stop masturbating or your tennis arm won’t heal.”

He’s still on admission in at the same Barnet General Hospital after a heart attack.

LIE DETECTOR ROBOT

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.

He decides 2 test it at dinner.

Dad : Son, where were you today during school hours ?

Son : At School. Robot slaps son! Ok, I lied, I went to the movies.

Dad : Which one ?

Son : Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was porn movie.

Dad : What ?! When I was your age, I never watched such films....Robot slaps Dad!

Mom : Ha ha! After all he's your son.

Robot slaps mom!!

Total silence..!! 

SHARE if u get it 

Funny LION

One day, Two Friends walking in a bush and Chat about future.

Suddenly, they saw a lion in front of him.

They knelt down for prayers, 

so that GOD would deliver him.

When they open their eyes,  they saw the lion also kneeling down for prayers.

One Friend asked "Mr lion what are you doing ?"

The lion replied "Shut up! Don't you pray before you Eat your food?" 

Funny Mr.Bean

Mr.Bean and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Mr.Bean received his plate, he started eating right away. "Dear! Please wait

until we say our prayer." said his Wife.

"I don't need to," the Mr.Bean replied.

"Of course, you do." his Wife insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Mr.Bean explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

Girls never understand what a boy wants to say

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. “No, I don’t” she replied.

Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well. I tried.” – he thought.

Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked. “I was just picturing how condoms are made!” – she said.

After Few Hours, She return the home on Scotty..

A Boy was driving a car.. & shouted,"Hey Buffalo"

Girl turned back n shouted.. "you donkey, flirt, stupid monkey"

Suddenly ­ she had an accident She was hit by a buffalo while crossing the road...
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MORAL:"Girls never understand what a boy wants 2 say" 

Very Funny Sardarji

Once a Sardarji went to a electronic shop, he asked the shopkeeper"

what is the price of this TV?".

The shopkeeper answered "we don't sell our products to sardarji".

The sadar again came next by cutting his beard and asked

"what is the price of this TV?".

The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to sardarji".

The next day sardar came without tubun with a differnt face and  asked "what is the price of this TV?".

the shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to sardarji".

Finally the sardar got irritated and asked the shopkeeper"

how do you recognise me every time?"

The shopkeeper replied "this is not TV it is Microwave" 

Real Funny Conversation.. Must Read..

This My FRIEND Real Online chatting Conversation with a female in Software Company.. Must Read..

(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big Software Company)

Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's You doing today?

Female: Very GM...Day is going good and it got better having found You on chat

Hero : wow... am honored, You know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...BRB (Be Right Back) will get some Coffee.

Hero : OK

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.

Manager : Could You write a program for me which generates Nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick peoples these managers are!!

Hero : Yep, You right!!

Female: Hey, can You do me a favor

Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print Nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Your mail in an hour from now. ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED YOU WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !! 

Funny Short Story..

A lady went to Buy a new car. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price." 

Make Them all ugly again

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. 

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. 

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make Them all ugly again."

Chinese, Japanese and Taiwanese

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,
“You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.”

The astonished Chinese man replied,
“It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, It was the Japanese”.

“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same, ” replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,
“You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”

Shocked, Spielberg replies,
“It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”

The Chinese replies,
“Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’reall the same.”

Funny Fans..

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester United fan were all  in Arabia , sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden,  Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a  severe offence in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The Liverpool fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried  away bleeding and crying with pain.  The arsenal  fan was next up. After watching the Scouser in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the arsenal fan was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The man u fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You support one of the biggest club in the world and your team is the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness”, he replied.

“In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave”. The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish”? “Tie the arsenal fan to my back.”